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    Talking to your teenager (12+)

    We've all had to have an awkward conversation at some point – or had our parents try to have an awkward conversation with us.

    So we know it never feels easy to raise the subject of sexual activity and what is abuse with our teenagers.

Talking to your teenager (12+)

Let's talk about sex -  in order to talk about child sexual abuse prevention - both areas should flow from each other and not be a taboo subject.

We've all had to have an awkward conversation at some point – or had our parents try to have an awkward conversation with us – so we know it never feels easy to raise the subject of sexual activity and what is abuse with our teenagers.

It might be because we suspect that something is worrying them, that their own behaviour has been, or is becoming harmful or maybe you just want to keep them safe.

How you approach the conversation depends on how old your child is, and how mature they are – each child will be different.

You will know your own child better than anyone else. Often children will want to talk about what is happening to them – but here are a few ideas about how to go about it.

A few Do's and Don'ts ..

Don't Forget to listen

Talking about sexual behaviour should be a two way conversation.  Listen to what your child has to say and ask them questions.  Also remember, young people can ask questions in subtle ways and you might have to help them ‘get it out’.  Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions; sometimes this can make it easier for young people to say what they want to (‘is it this?’).  Your confidence in asking questions will help them to feel confident in asking questions themselves.

Don’t think you will make things worse.

Most researchers and sex education experts agree that there is no evidence to suggest that talking about sex will increase the chance of a young person engaging in sexual activity. Remember: knowledge is power, and young people need to make informed choices from reliable sources, such as you.

Young people need to see intimacy and sex as something that is valued and worth talking about. Having these conversations about sex sends them an important message, i.e. it matters.

If your child is at school, talk to teaching staff about what they are teaching and when. You can then prepare for any necessary discussions if you are aware of the school sex education curriculum.

You know your child best, so remember to trust in your ability to speak to your own child when the timing feels right. Take the opportunity when relevant situations arise naturally e.g. if a relevant story comes up on TV, in the news or if they are talking about one of their friends.

Don’t make sex a taboo.

Create an atmosphere in your family home that treats sex as something private and deserving of respect, but also send out messages that sex is ok to talk about and ask questions about it.

Whilst parents are expected to exercise some control over the media based sexual content in the home, it is more important that if children see sexual material, they can have this put in context or have the confidence to ask questions of their parents.

Don’t make assumptions

Don’t make assumptions about who your child is attracted to. Also, don’t automatically assume that they know themselves yet.

Don’t make a big deal of it.

In order to communicate clearly with your child about sex, don’t feel pressured to have ‘the talk’.  This can be daunting for you and your child, and can send quite an unhelpful message about sex.  Consider instead opening the lines of communication as opportunities arise or when the subject comes up, using a drip-drip approach.  Make it a normal, ongoing thing to talk about sex, when it feels natural or helpful (‘little and often’).  This will give your child the all-important message that if they need to ask they can.  One of the easiest ways to turn the conversation to sex is during everyday activities, making it less of an event.  Think about how you can use soap operas, magazine articles, news stories etc.

Remember that young people need a balance between ‘biology’ (e.g. pregnancy, contraception, sexually transmitted infections) and the relationship side of sex 

At times, it can help to talk 'one step removed'. Ask what their friends think about the subject. This can be a way of talking about thoughts and fears indirectly.

Know the facts

Make sure you know the facts. If you don’t know something, let them know and then try to find out for them.

The right conversation at the right time

It is entirely possible that, despite your best preparation, the conversation will be really short, but also it is possible that the conversation will go on for a long time. It’s best to plan to talk to your child when you have time, and you won’t be distracted. If you, or they, are tired or hungry – it’s probably not the best time. They probably also won’t want to talk if they’ve already had a bad day.

It’s important that they are in the right mood to talk, but also that you are in the right mood to listen to what they have to say. It’s better to talk one-on-one with a child rather than with older or younger siblings around.

Walking in the park, or whilst driving in the car is a good start. Some children communicate better when they don’t have to look you in the eye. The conversation doesn’t have to be a big event – children can often panic if you “sit them down for a chat”. Try and make it as natural and relaxed as possible.

Getting talking

Talking about child sexual abuse is not easy. Start too strong and they might clam up. Do it too gently, and you might never get around to what you actually want to know/ask. If you can find a “hook” to get you started, it will make things easier. It could be a storyline on a soap or a film you’re watching – it might be responding to something that they’ve said. It might be that they talk about something that is happening to a friend of theirs – ask what they would do if it was happening to them, how they would feel or what they would do if they were in the same situation.

Another useful tool is books, though this is often more relevant for younger children. After you've read the story together a couple of times just ask some gentle questions about their understanding of what it was about and what they would do if they were the character in the story.

News stories are often a good start for conversations. There are often stories about the mistreatment of children, or related subjects like bullying, knife crime, etc., in the news.

Another way, especially with older children, is to ask their advice for a “friend” and to ask what they would advise your friend to do.

Keep talking

Your first attempt at talking (or even second, third and fourth!) might not go as you expect. Your child might not want to open up straight away, but make them aware that they can come to you and that you will listen to what they have to say. Try to avoid long, formal conversations. Keep the conversation flowing and avoid making it a scary topic.

Warning signs that an adult might be a risk to a child or a young person

Concerned about an adults behaviour with a child? Trust your concerns.

What is Harmful Sexual Behaviour?

When it comes to children & young people, what is normal sexual behaviour and what could be regarded as harmful? 

If you suspect that somebody is looking at illegal images of children online

Looking at sexual images of anyone under the age of 18 is illegal.

 

Family Safety Plan

If you are concerned about keeping your child safe from sexual abuse, consider creating a Family Safety Plan.

 

Did you know?

One in seven children aged 11-18 (15 per cent) have been asked to send sexual messages or images of themselves

Source - NSPCC (2017)
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