Blurred Boundaries

Trust your instinct

If someone you know is acting in ways that worry or confuse you, then as an adult you can do something about this.  Signs of child sexual abuse are rarely black and white. You might see something that worries you, that another person can easily explain away – trust your instinct – seek help to explore why you feel the way you do about someone’s actions or words. Our instincts are there for a reason.

“Many of his assaults involved him testing the limits of what he could get away with. He would push the boundaries, starting off in a grey area so that sexual assaults weren't immediately recognised as such.” – Louis Theroux on Jimmy Savile

Pushing the boundaries is one way that child sexual abuse starts. Behaviour that goes unchallenged can often escalate – but there is no reason to struggle with this alone. The behaviours below may indicate a possible risk of sexual abuse to a child, but may also be a way for this adult to ask for help. Many people with sexual behaviour problems believe that others already suspect and often wish someone would ask what’s going on or advise them where to call to get help.  

Some people who abuse children don't always set out to abuse, but let some boundaries blur over time. They find they may have an attraction to a particular child, or they let a situation develop, convincing themselves that this is not really abuse and it is "a special relationship that no one understands".

Stop It Now! Scotland can offer advice to anyone who is worried about child sexual abuse, whether it is something you have seen or heard that worries you, or something more concrete. There are trained experts to help you work through these things.

Remember, you can start a conversation by pointing out harmful impacts on a child without accusing someone of abusive intentions.

Trust your instinct - don't be a bystander 

Do they have sexual thoughts about children

Having sexual thoughts about children does not necessarily mean that the individual having these thoughts has an exclusive sexual interest in children and does not automatically mean they have or will offend against children.

Many people who have a sexual attraction to children also have a sexual interest in others, including people their own age or older.

Many people who have sexual thoughts or feelings towards children will want help to manage their thoughts and feelings. Stop It Now! Scotland specialise in working with people in this category.

How do I respond?

Suspecting or discovering that someone you know has been having sexual thoughts about children or has sexually harmed a child, is a distressing and confusing experience. One parent who worked with us,  described it as like "being hit by a tsunami, such was its emotional and practical impact".

How you feel and how you respond will depend on:

- the person’s relationship to you

- how you came about this information

- your own personal circumstances

- whether the individual’s behaviour is already known to the authorities.

The majority of people who discover that a person they know has been acting inappropriately towards children will be shocked, even if they suspected something was amiss.

Often the initial response is an inability to process the information, followed by emotional responses such as anger, distress, fear and anxiety and then questions about the behaviour e.g. ‘do I report him to the police?’, ‘what does this mean for our relationship?’, 'what do I say to the children/my friends….?’.

Where to get help 

If you are even slightly concerned that someone you love may be having sexual thoughts about children or they are under investigation/have been convicted of a sexual offence against a child (including online), you can call the Stop It Now! free helpline on 0808 1000 900.

This is a confidential service and you do not have to give your name.

Our trained operators will listen to your concerns and offer information and support.  Dealing with the consequences of a loved one’s actions is a lengthy and difficult process and Stop It Now! is there to help. 

You can also email Stop It Now! 

You can also phone Stop It Now! Scotland on 0131 556 3535

 We have a website that will give you further help and support.

Behaviour that is unsafe, unwanted or uncomfortable

We all have personal likes, dislikes and some things that might make us uncomfortable. “Personal space” is the private area of control inside an imaginary line or boundary that defines each person as separate.

Ideally, that boundary helps us stay in charge of our own personal space. It helps keep out the things that make us uncomfortable - unsafe and unwanted feelings, words, images, and physical contact. Solid social rules strengthen the boundary.

Behaviours that routinely disrespect or ignore boundaries make children vulnerable to abuse.

When what is acceptable isn't understood

Do you know an adult or older child who doesn’t seem to understand what’s acceptable when it comes to:

Personal space

   - Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?

   - Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?

   - Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundaries or limits?

   - Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?

Relationships with children

   - Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently babysits different children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason?

  - Has secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive time emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth?

  - Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information or activities, normally shared with adults?

  - Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?

  - Allows children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviours?

 Sexual conversation or behaviour

  - Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or images without apparent concern?

  - Frequently points out sexual images or tells dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?

  - Is overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly about the child's developing body or interferes with normal teen dating)?

What concerns do you have? 

Remember that thoughts are invisible. It is therefore important to look out for certain behaviours that a person may exhibit in these areas of daily life. Do you know someone who often acts in the following ways?

 Relationships 

   - Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundaries?

   - Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?

   - Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?

   - Encourages silence and secrets in children?  

 Sexual Interactions

   - Links sexuality and aggression in language or behaviour, e.g. sexualized threats or insults, like “whore” or “slut”?

   - Makes fun of children's body parts, describes children with sexual words like “stud” or “sexy” or talks again and again about the sexual activities of children or teens?

   - Is so preoccupied with sex that it gets in the way of important day-to-day activities?

   - Expresses an interest in sexual fantasies involving young people and seems unclear about what's appropriate. e.g. Not recognising age difference, positions of authority  

   - Has a very relaxed attitude with regards to pornography - showing or speaking pornography to children & young people.

   - Asks adult partners to dress or act like a child or teen during sexual activity? 

Personal safety/responsibility

   - Has been known to make poor decisions while misusing drugs or alcohol?

  - Justifies behaviour, defends poor choices or harmful acts; blames others so as to minimise responsibility for behaviours?

  - Minimizes hurtful or harmful behaviours when confronted; denies harmfulness of actions or words despite a clear negative impact?